So You Want to Pick My Brain…

Here’s what you need to know before making a major networking faux pas.

This post goes out to all of my self-employed business owners, consultants, coaches, musicians, artists, and creators - those brave souls who have left the security of a guaranteed paycheck to pursue their passion and build their dreams.

This topic has been a source of annoyance, frustration and all out rage. Rather than continuing to bitch and man, I felt inspired to convert this negative feeling to a learning opportunity. Let’s put it all out on the table - the good, the bad, the ugly, and so we can figure out what we can do about it.

The truth is self-employed people need to connect and build relationships to feed their business development pipeline. We collaborate with people in and out of our expertise. We meet with potential clients and people who broker relationships.

But what if our open-door policy to connecting could be hurting our business?

Let’s talk about the etiquette of brain picking.

It seems harmless and helpful, but this act of non-compensated solicitation of expertise has a dark side.

Let’s start with a little story.

As a coach with a presence on social media, I got contacted on a monthly basis. Some were coaches, some were people wanting to be coaches and some wanted free advice.

It comes in as:

“Hey can you chat?”

“My friend wants to be a coach, can you talk to them?”

“Can we meet for coffee?”

“So can I pick you brain?

When these requests first started to come in, I thought, “awesome a new coach to work with” or “woohoo a new potential client”. I’d adjust my schedule and meet them where they were, spending 3–4 hours commuting round trip and meeting where it was convenient for them. I’d spend money on Ubers and coffee and lunch.

After the veneer of flattery wore off, I realized that I had just given away my time, resources and expertise AND even paid for it. I had willingly given away my power. I felt like I had been duped. How could I have been so far off from expectation to reality?

Then I got honest and asked myself:

What did I want my networking and business development to look and feel like?

Who did I want to meet with? Who didn’t I want to meet with?

How many people could I reasonably meet with in a week or month while maintaining my current load of clients?

What was I willing to share?

What was I not willing to share?

What was triggering me about getting my brain picked?

I have huge values (I’m mean HUGE) around time, efficiency and connection. I believe in reciprocity which can come in referrals, expertise, currency, heavy lifting, coffee, lunch etc. Brain-picking felt very one-sided and empty. I felt used.

Not every interaction was negative, but some left me with a bad taste in my mouth or even a migraine.

What made the difference in the interactions?

Boundaries. In the situations where there weren’t clear expectations or objectives for meeting it felt like a gray area where I lost my power. I felt taken advantage of and pissed off.

So I decided to Ieverage technology in my scheduling process and instituted new boundaries. I gave people a scheduling link where they had the option to either meet by phone or Zoom for 30 minutes at a time and then I had a box for that person to fill out what they wanted to chat about.

Pure admission, I didn’t put that field in (thank you Acuity Scheduling), but I learned that it was a tell-tale sign of whether I was going to feel appreciated and valued or if I felt like my brain was going to get pillaged.

The people who bypassed the field, talked in circles or at me and didn’t have a clear focus on what they wanted or needed.

The people who were thoughtful and had clear questions, were respectful of time boundaries and came with a clear question or request.

If they wanted more than 30 minutes or to meet in person, I gave them an option to book a strategy session or consultation. When I first started this process, I feared that people would think I was a bitch (and some might), but more surprisingly, it invited more serious players into my world.

Prospective coaching clients fill out an application prior to a consult and potential partners answer a simple questionnaire before scheduling a time.

What to do instead of Brain-Picking:

1) Ask a Clear Question — What do you want to know and why?

2) Offer to Pay for Services You’ve Rendered — What is a fair price for the advice, knowledge, training you’ve received?

3) Google It — Try to figure it out on your own. If you don’t know what to search for see item 1.

4) Take an Online Course — If you know what you’re looking for and need guidance, there are tons of step-by-step videos on YouTube and other online platforms like Teachable and Udemy. If you still have questions, see item 1

5) Prepare an Agenda and Share it With the Other Person — All relationships breakdown from unmet expectations.

When you’re clear about what you want to cover and when, it shows the other person that you’re serious and have your thoughts together.

If you are a small business owner and paying isn’t in the budget, offer a reciprocation in referrals or write a testimonial.

If you work for a large and established company, pay people. It’s good karma and the abundance elves will pay dividends on your good deeds.

Ultimately our time is valuable, so the more prepared and proactive we are, the more present we can be and the more power we can produce.

I encourage you to look at your business development inquiry process and see where the energy leak spots are. What could you do differently to honor your boundaries and values?

My final words… Stop Requesting to “Pick My Brain” and Start Asking for What You Really Want to Know